[[SATIRE]] Book review: Metro 2033 is cringe

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*Disclaimer: Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction.

In the last two decades, the book series Metro 2033 by Danill Gibazovonovich would have been a wonderful book about shooting irradiated wolves and bugs to save his subway station, but he had to go and ruin it all. He had to make the main character a massive wimp. 

“Sometimes you just have to make a dude a wimp, what can I say?” said Gibazovonovich while eating a sandwich. 

A few years later, after the release of the book, the studio 5042 Inertia (yes, they have a game studio) released a game based on the book, and it made the main character, Artyom, even more cringefail and wimpy.

He trips over every small thing, lets any man over the age of 40 tell him what to do no matter how dangerous it is, and gets shouted at by his girlfriend’s dad.

Seriously, if any man who is old enough to be his father even looks in his direction, he’ll be on his knees for them before they can say, “Eh I’ll do it.” Some stranger drops from a vent with an entirely gray beard, and Artyom is already nodding like a dog.

“What can we say? Everyone likes a dude who crushes on men and can barely stand on his two feet,” said lead director Mikola Borislav.

In the game, the task that he was given caused him to be left alone at his home station for the first time. This is the equivalent of being 20 and never having a sleepover with at least two friends. It does, however, make him more relatable to the losers and weirdos of the world. His naivety, inability to socialize, and his old man crushes make him all the more popular.

“Artyom makes me feel less like an odd one out. He’s just like me for real,” said OH sophomore Melvin Berry.

At the end of the day, maybe it isn’t so bad Artyom’s a cringefail loserguy who gets no game, no money, has no parents, will never have a life outside of his home, and will die without a partner. It’s what makes him the most relatable.