*DISCLAIMER: This article was originally published as part of the 2024 edition of Fifty42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
Recently the Illinois governor, L.S.G. (short for Lenin Stalin Gorbachev) Khan signed a bill raising the minimum wage from $8.95 to $10. This is a major detriment to the poor trillionaires who pay straight out of their pockets to their ungrateful employees.
“The minimum wage being raised nearly a full two dollars has cost me around 100 dollars a day… I can barely afford to keep up with my seven yachts,” said local trillionaire Marco Solo.
There’s only one option available to save the 0.00001%. We need to lower the minimum wage to $2.50 per day. Workers are too whiny, simply working for a man like Solo is of the highest honor, and asking for anything more is being greedy.
“I have three young siblings to care for, I really need the money to look out for them,” said sophomore Frye Serranois.
According to the site PoorPeopleSux.com, there is a solution to Serranois’s problem, though: just get rich. It’s that simple! Solo wasn’t born rich, he worked hard for his parents’ fortune and company! Do you realize how many legal disputes he’s gotten into for the company? At least one that his lawyers fought vigilantly over!
“I just wish the citizens would know my name is short for Leon Sydney Gary. I just happen to be a descendant of Genghis Khan and want better for the people,” said the no-good-communist governor Khan.
If becoming rich doesn’t work either, just wait for it to trickle down. Solo and his trillionaire friends will hire workers like Serranois for them at their company and pay them an average of $2.50 a day. That’s how much Solo worked for back in 1962, so it will work for Serranois too!
That lying commie governor just wants to stunt promising entrepreneurs and hard workers with this minimum wage increase. Think about what he is saying and vote for another man who isn’t a communist. Who? The jury’s out for that one.
