*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction.
Upon their return from spring break, the senior class will be hosting a competition to find the most chronically absent student. A record total of 589 OH seniors plan to participate in the competition, which will last from April 2 to May 17.
“This is their best idea yet,” explained SD308 superintendent Dr. Calamari. “I am so happy that they are taking the initiative to get out there and solve our attendance problem.”
The competition was created in light of new statistics from the SD308 school board that reported an increase in attendance for upperclassmen. According to Calamari, the OH senior class had an almost perfect attendance rate, totaling up to nearly 95%, a record-breaking number in the school’s history.
“I was shocked that the rate wasn’t higher. I think it should have been closer to 100%. I even slept in my locker overnight once after I got stuck in there,” said senior Abby Sent.
Some students, however, strongly disagree. “I haven’t been to school more than five times this year, and I am doing great. I can actually go to the bathroom during the day now,” explained the creator of the challenge, senior Austin Moon.
All students within the senior class were contacted and encouraged to participate through aggressive DMs, spam calls, and repeated visits to people’s houses from Moon and his friends.
“Honestly, I think I should have tried harder,” Moon explained. “I wasn’t able to reach out to the people that have restraining orders against me, which is disappointing.”
Some seniors are spending their newfound free time by eating Tide pods, throwing eggs at old people, stealing each other’s girlfriends, and preparing to protest the banning of TikTok. “These horrible students are so ungrateful for their education—skipping school and all that. Back in my day, we actually had to work for the grades we were given,” said OH teacher Mr. Marlin.
Despite conflicting opinions, the district has encouraged OH teachers to allow seniors to complete alternate assignments to not only save, but boost their grades tenfold. Science teacher Fo Tosinthesis is allowing her senior students to earn a 100% in their class if they throw their empty water bottles in the Fox River.
This challenge is not the only way the senior class is kicking things up a notch for the end of the school year. Seniors also plan to release a panther in the halls, organize a fist-fight bracket, and turn the LRC into a rage room.
My name is Natalie Raabe and I am a senior at Oswego High School. This is my second year as a member of the 42fifty team and I serve as a Managing Editor and the Features Section Leader. Additionally, I am a member of the BIONIC board, NHS, Best Buddies, SNHS, NEHS, Rho Kappa, and Mu Alpha Theta.
Amazing ideas to improve the school community!! Can’t wait to see the bonds it creates among students hehe