*Disclaimer: This senior column includes details about an attempted suicide.
No one ever thinks they’ll hit rock bottom until it slams into them. You gasp for air and flail your arms in the hopes that a hand will envelop yours and pull you up. You’ll reach the surface of the water and feel your muscles relax with the relief that you have been saved. That is, until you realize it’s never going to come.
When you are stuck at the bottom of the ocean with an anchor attached to your heart, where do you turn? You’re drowning, and you feel the pressure spread from your chest to your head. But in reality, you’re sitting on your couch watching TV next to your oblivious family. When your mom calls you for dinner, you scoff at the thoughts in your mind. You should be grateful for all that you have. You’re too young to feel such emotions. That’s what they’ll tell you if you speak your truth. But you can only hold your breath for so long.
That is the only way I can describe my experience with depression. I found myself alone in my room nearing the end of junior year. And in my mind, I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. The pill bottle tipped over with nothing left to spill while my eyes made up for it in tears. Typing this a year later, with graduation in two days, I still remember the empty feeling in my chest. But most of all, I remember that no one would have known had I not told my mom.
Getting past that period in my life was no easy feat. Even now, I struggle with expression and a positive mindset. And I only felt truly myself at the gym for the longest time. I was in an environment with people who showed up every day to simply better themselves. The desperation to become a better person kept me going.
I not only became less insecure about my physical appearance, but I also felt confident. What started as a way to improve my strength in softball turned into something entirely different. But unfortunately, where there is triumph, there is failure.
You only go to the gym because of your boyfriend. You are going to start looking like a man. Let me guess, it’s leg day.
As a female spending so much time in a male-dominated environment, I had no support system. And to this day, I still endure comments and am only now receiving support from those around me.
However, I am no stranger to doubt. I played travel softball for over a decade and endured constant ridicule over my size. I took it in stride but said nothing. I grew up insecure about my body and hyper-fixated on proving myself to everyone who doubted my capabilities. But any athlete knows that when you start playing for others instead of yourself, you lose love for the game.
As it got worse with age, so did my mental health. My love for my sport was taken away from me during the toughest time of my life. My hardest goodbye will not be with OHS but with my first love, softball.
Skip forward a year, I am now a senior graduating in a week. The emotional roller coaster of high school is nearing its end and in three months my room will be an empty shell of boxed-up memories. And for the first time in a long time, I am excited for the future rather than scared.
Power lifting saved my life. I now hold two state weightlifting records, and I couldn’t be more excited to reach my full potential.
What I hope you, the reader, can take away from my story, is to speak your truth. Stand up for what you believe in, spread awareness, and least of all, tell that one bully you hope they find peace, and move on.
“Is it better to speak or to die?” Marguerite Navarre’s Heptameron. If I hadn’t spoken, I would have died. Don’t waste your life surviving, spend your life living. Those who make a difference do not cower in the face of challenges. Your tongue has bled enough, it’s time to stop biting it.
If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or talk to a trusted adult. You are not alone.
My name is Raelyn Alvarez, and I am a Senior at OHS. This is my third year doing Digital Journalism, and I am beyond grateful to have been voted Editor-In-Chief for my last year.
