Disclaimer: *Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
OH has many super people in the building, but only two of them are actual super-powered superhumans. Ance Parlowe and Caidan Moniatowski have been battling crime in the community as a team for years, protecting students and fellow citizens from the terrors of the Oswego crime ring.
Moniatowski and Parlowe have been friends for years, working their jobs together and having crazy adventures, but their superpowers are what make this duo so super. Being from Oswego, the two have humble beginnings, similar to any other famous heroes, but are now responsible for the protection of the community.
“I noticed that I could do some weird things, like jump a little higher and run slightly faster than I used to but as time went on, I realized now I am a bit super,” said hero Moniatowski.
When asked to comment, Ance Parlowe politely refused in the spirit of confidentiality, which is understandable considering that criminals could use that information against him, something Moniatowski is apparently not afraid of.
“I mean, what are they [going to] do? I am literally a superhero,” said Moniatowski, “I think I’m doing the community a service and I think that’s pretty universally known, so even if they know my identity it’s kinda more of a flex.”
“They’re absolute studs [[…]] I think they are the best thing to ever happen to this high school,” said civilian and fellow OH senior Griff Flower.
The duo pulls no punches either, making sure Oswego is as secure as possible against crime, which can at times cause questions as to the severity of their methods.
“We just give them the business, but we do feel bad for the families,” said Moniatowski.
Against critics’ opinions, the duo is not only seen as the best protectors in the area, but of all time. Considering the other heroes who have protected other cities in our country, many consider the two to be the best yet.
“It’s not even close [[…]] I think [other heroes] quiver at the thought that those two are on the scene,” said Flower.
The team has been stopping crimes in Oswego ranging from petty theft to full-scale black market regimes, all for the sake of trying to save the community from ruin. Considering the concentration of crime and violence in our town, it is a privilege to have these two heroes keep civilians safe from the dangers of the world.
“Golly, if you name it we’ve stopped it. Robbery is probably most common, but we have stopped homicide, we’ve stopped carjackings- tax fraud was an interesting one [[…]] a felony is a felony,” explained Moniatowski.
Despite the overall success of their efforts, they are still high school students, and just like any other seniors, they still have the same stress of school. Between working, homework, and preparing to go to college, some things can get difficult.
“Oswego – lotta crime, lotta crime, so it does get in the way of some school work,” Moniatowski admitted, “We are just kind of lucky that our teachers are very understanding- shoutout to Mr. Zorn. I do have a lot of missing assignments.”
Oswego thanks superhero senior duo Ance Parlowe and Caidan Moniatowski for their sacrifice and service every day.
I am a senior at OH and so excited to be a Managing and Opinions Section Editor this year! I love working on 42Fifty, but I am also very involved in band and numerous honor societies here. Looking forward to doing great work this year!
This is wonderful to here about these heros saving the day
hehehehe hahahaha
Oswego will forever be in debt to these SUPER seniors!!
Funny stuff I am batman