As I stare at the ceiling, the room is flooded with thoughts. I lose myself in my past dreams and aspirations. I re-wind every scenario, wondering where I could have tried harder, done more, or said something else. I fall deeper into the void of regrets and despair, only to find myself lost and endlessly alone in my thoughts.
I feel helpless knowing I have fallen short of my mother’s sacrifices. Her countless hours spent at work, her time spent constantly attending to her children, and working all day just to get home and get a little rest before the working cycle starts again. That is the life she led for the sake of her children, and yet I don’t give it my all.
As a kid, I would sit on my Elmo chair in front of the TV, watching shows where all they talked about was “the power of friendship.” So naturally, I thought friendship had the power to solve just about anything.
My reliance on “the power of friendship” hit its all-time peak during middle school. My reliance soon turned into an obsession. Like a glass sculpture, those ideals shattered with a single tap when COVID-19 entered my life.
My dreams fell hard for reality in high school, and I, unfortunately, did not experience the fantastic high school life I had imagined. I lost contact with most of my friends due to COVID-19 and transitioned from OE to OH shortly after my freshman year.
Like a wilted flower in the garden of roses, I felt alone. Most of my focus went on my academics sophomore year, but as I entered junior year, I felt the helplessness I felt in middle school. I felt like I couldn’t ask for help for my problems, and I fell deeper into my hole.
My grades started taking a hit, and my attendance started declining since I had no one to look forward to seeing throughout the day. I saw no reason to attend my first class. When confronted by my mother, I saw that I had no excuse.
I, whom my mother thought of as an academic prodigy, turned into an academic failure. As a first-generation eldest daughter, I had failed my immigrant mother. Some classes were better than others, but senior year is when I lost the will to succeed.
I realized my current academics aren’t important to me since I will be attending a community college. I didn’t apply for any scholarships or take any action to make my college life easier. I have made a lot of decisions that most would disagree with, but they have built me into the person I am now.
But one of my best decisions was applying for my first job. There, I made some of the strongest relationships to this day. These relationships have kept my senior year afloat. They keep me entertained and rebuild my ideals on friendship. Keeping these people close makes me eager to see what the future holds.
I strive to get closer to my dreams as I head towards the next stage in life. Despite all my hardships, I found people who helped me move forward. I also couldn’t have done so without my mom. As a senior, I admit I have fallen behind, but I have a dream, and I have carved my own special path.
I will make my dream come true, and so should you.
