[[SATIRE]] Requests for lawless utopia gain momentum

*Disclaimer: Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

There’s one thing every OH student can agree on: we need more violence. Picture this: A perfect school, brawls breaking out everywhere. The clashing of fists-on-skin rings gloriously through the halls. Knuckles flying around every corner, a lawless utopia.

Clearly, OH is not this. Our school is far from perfect. The halls are too peaceful, and every student is getting bored. OH can improve, and escalating more conflicts is a step in the right direction.

Dee Anne, OH Dean and a long-time advocate of a school-sponsored Fight Club, had this to say about the crisis: “This is super unhealthy for the kids. This lack of physical activity leads to teens getting out of shape. I’ve seen way too much affection and peace in the halls and frankly, I’m appalled.” 

Anne is right. Peace and affection are terrible influences on teenagers, especially during this mentally unstable time in their lives. But fixing this will take time and money. A lawless utopia isn’t something you come across every day, and as such, requires a sizable change. 

When asked about improving the school, OH senior Delin Quint said, “We could use better accessibility. Many lockers are too small to be able to shove people into.”

Many services and resources are available for students, yet they are not enough for those looking for improved savagery. For example, there are no school-provided buckets of dirty mop water to dump on people, nor are there towels to clean up any stray blood stains.

Quint said, “We could also use more school-sponsored weapons. Using my fists can get tiring, and I’m sure that can dissuade people from fighting. Personally, I suggest providing spiked maces and whips, though cheaper alternatives like wooden stakes can also do.”

Despite all the hurdles to pass, many students are still passionate about cruelty. OH sophomore Sadie Iste, club leader of the Pain Infliction Club, boasted, “Sadism is an art, and art requires time to refine skills. Fortunately, I have plenty of time on my hands, and I couldn’t be prouder of my expertise.”

Iste isn’t the only one whose passion aligns with evil. If interested, students can find the Pain Infliction Club in room 666 or contact their supervisor Eevelt Eecher at myEvilEmail@sd308.org.

Of course, there can always be dissenters. OH custodian Cleen Nerr said, “I prefer how the school is right now, to be honest. There used to be constant blood stains on the carpet. Did you know that every carpet in the school actually used to be a nice beige before the fights in the school happened? It’s a hassle to clean.”

Of course, the ferocity of evil teens can be difficult to handle. There’s so much range and variety of violence that accommodating everyone can be difficult. Some may prefer more refined conflicts, like honorable duels, while others favor a barbaric all-out fist fest.

Yet, all of these are struggles we need to overcome. The health and safety of students are of the utmost priority. A lawless utopia is just another one that all kids need to have.