[[SATIRE]] New student parking consequences include bear traps, explosives

*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction. 

The Oswego High School dean’s office is filled with disappointment each day they see a student car parked in a spot nobody else uses. An empty parking lot filled with only staff cars is all they ask for. As of April 1, deans will be inducing the reconstructed consequences, including bear traps and explosives.

“I felt like taking away prom privileges was soft on our part,” OHS Dean Macey Saker says. “We need to show them we’re serious.” 

Deans have health concerns about how closer parking will minimize students’ physical activity throughout the day.

“It upsets me to think that students won’t get in a five-mile walk from the gravel lot each day,” OHS Dean Briana Van says.

Other than the low-grade effect of the stickers, SD308 is also eliminating parking stickers in order to reduce its plastic waste.

“Students found out we don’t actually recycle, so we wanted to make up for that by reducing some of our plastic use,” Saker says.

Deans are alleviating the issue by setting a four-step consequence plan.

Step 1 is a warning. Students are awkwardly and disruptively approached in class, in front of the classroom. 

Step 2 is where actual consequences begin, starting with bear traps: If the student does not comply with their warning, an automatic bear trap will surround not one, but all four wheels. The car will need to be towed in order to be used again.

Step 3 is a place staff hopes students don’t ever have to reach. If the student parks once again in an unused parking spot, the automatic gasoline releaser waits until it feels someone get out of the car, for student safety of course. Once no one is detected nearby, the underground system will light the car on fire. There is talk about adding an additional step 4 of explosive melee.

“Installing automatic gasoline and bear traps may be expensive, but it’s worth it overall,” Van says. “We’re hoping to take a donation from the football funds.”

We asked parents what they thought of the newly established levels of consequence.

“My Timmy would never disobey the rules of our SD308 district!” mother of OHS Senior Timmy Ginge, Auburn Ginge, says. 

She feels the consequences are just a way to target certain students, specifically gingers.

“Majestic hair should be a gift, not a crime,” A. Ginge says. 

We asked SD308 students what they think of the new terms and regulations:

“Personally I think it’s a bit much, but it’s just my opinion,” Sam Sung, sophomore, says.

Many students have already begun to experience the new set of consequences. 

“Just because I’m a ginger doesn’t mean I deserve my car to be burned down each week,” T. Ginge says. 

Not only do these new consequences run the risk of damaging property, but even innocent cats.

“I used to bring my cat in my car to school. I don’t have a cat to bring to school anymore,” junior Myah Paw says.

With the updated parking lot consequences, deans hope to have an incredible view of an empty parking lot, and keep students actively rushing to door 11 each morning.