A goodbye to those who always believed in me

“I’m a leader, not a follower,” my dad asks me to repeat. “And I’m gonna do what I wanna do,” we sing together. 

“My mom and my daddy tell me what to do,” we say one last time before starting the silly mantra again. 

My father always instilled in me to be a leader, and to stand strong in my beliefs so I wouldn’t fall for anything. He has seen my kindness from the start and taught me to not be taken advantage of. 

My dad was kind of tough on me, but I know now that it’s not because of his expectations; he just knew my full potential. I didn’t imagine I would be in multiple leadership positions by the end of my senior year, but my dad always wanted that for me.

In August of 2019, I remember walking into the halls of Oswego High School for the first time. Thompson Junior High’s rainbow-colored walls were gone, and I was left with nothing but unfamiliar faces and dull, gray paint. Within those rainbow-painted walls, I constantly jumped between friend groups, never finding my own friend group or a place to speak my mind. Within those gray walls of OHS, I had crippling social anxiety, low self-esteem, and biracial skin I didn’t feel good enough in. I couldn’t walk, talk, or make decisions without worrying about how people would judge me for it. I just wanted to fit in and be liked like everyone else.

During sophomore year, I felt urged to make friends, so I pushed myself to go back to hybrid learning. It gave me an opportunity to slowly get comfortable at school because I wasn’t in person every day. The student council was online, and it was still hard to feel a part of the school. 

Junior year is when things started to feel normal again. I took my first leadership role and went on board for student council as historian. Even though I was only there to take photos, I began helping out behind important things in the school like homecoming and the talent show. It felt like I had finally found a place: I was not only needed but wanted. However, it was through Digital Journalism and the 42Fifty publication that I found my voice. Ms. Hands helped overcome my fears of being judged for my opinions, and fearing confrontation slowly dissolved through interviewing people on controversial topics. I felt so comfortable in my confidence as a writer that I signed up to be a managing editor. 

Being a senior, lots of roles opened up for me, roles I would have been too scared to even try out for. I not only got to write about topics important to me, but help other students gain their confidence in writing through guidance.

I was pushed to be student council president by the 2022 graduating board because they believed I was capable, even when I was wary. It was the student council’s advisor Ms. April Ponte, who had been with me freshman year all the way until our last meeting, who also pushed me to fill the role.

My fears of public speaking have slowly withered away after speaking at the talent show and every student council meeting with a microphone. Confrontation and disagreeing with others aren’t the most horrendous things. I don’t base my decisions on how likely people will judge me for it. I just am who I am and have accepted some people won’t like that and some people will. 

In middle school, I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of the personalities of all my  acquaintances. Being myself, I have faith that those people, the ones that make me feel like I belong, will find me. Fears are still…fears. They haven’t all disappeared, but they are less consuming. My fears no longer limit me from trying new things and meeting new people. New fears have surfaced, like actually having to be an adult. But it’s great to look back knowing I’ve grown in the last four years.

My entire family has believed in me since day one; they have always had faith that I will be successful in the dreams I tell them about. If I told my grandma I wanted to be a tricycle-riding clown, she would help me pick out the perfect squeaky horn. They support me through everything and every career I’ve pondered. I would not be here without them.

So now it’s my turn to inspire and support as I leave my 4-year-old brother Chance at home. I want him to feel the same support I do. I want to come home on breaks and be a good example for him. 

So here I am, now signing out as managing editor in a JESUS costume for idol day (I totally didn’t have the confidence to dress up in this my freshman year). I write this to say thank you to 42Fifty and everyone who believed in me when I didn’t.

Win us another award, will you?