[SATIRE] The best car in the world? Autos class receives Christine

*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

On March 45th, our Oswego Autos Classes have been donated a strikingly worn down 1958 Plymouth Fury, the donor has remained a mystery, although witnesses of the event claim they never saw any driver or process in the donation, it seems as though that Fury just drove itself onto the lot. On the car was a letter containing the single name “Christine,” which the students have been calling the Fury.

“I don’t really remember much about when we did all the paperwork but I guess we have this car now” says Otto Sarr Mipashin, the Head of the Industrial Technology department. 

Auto’s students are especially excited about getting to fix up such an old car. I myself being one of those students am able to say that we’ve all come to love the car, even if it has suffered an awful lot, the traces of burns and faint smell of blood are only pluses. 

“Yeah, this car might be ugly now” Auto student Leigh Caboot said, “but with a bit of work and supplies from Darnell’s, we ought to be able to fix this girl up in a jiffy.” 

Darnell’s, a small local garage has been the storing place of Christine as of this moment with fellow Auto student, Arnie Chunningham having voluntarily taken responsibility for keeping after the car. Many students fought for the privilege of taking care of such a beauty but while everyone else was busy begging for the position, Chunningham took it upon himself to be employed at Darnell’s in exchange for some more time with Christine.

When a small gas station blew up near Darnell’s the general consensus was that it was a freak accident having to do with a smoker that punctured a gas tank. However one witness, Emily Lupi, claims that there was a striking red car that ran into the gas tank setting everything ablaze including the car. Lupi was promptly shut down by the authorities as it was impossible a person could do that and survive.

On March 26, Industrial Technology’s best girl seems to have been the cause of a bit of a ruckus, Arnie Chunningham has claimed the car as his own saying, “No one ever comes between me and Christine.” The rest of the autos students who felt a special connection to Christine went on a rampage destroying all the vehicles they could find in Darnell’s out of jealousy that none of them could ever be Christine.

When questioned about his thoughts on the students’ actions Sair Mipashin started to scream “I love her!” When I went to look at the car, Sarr Mipashin then went on to yell “You get away from her! Get away from her!” Truly I haven’t a clue what everyone loves about a 60 year old car. Although the car seemed to have not been touched during the riot, the car radio started to play “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers.

After Darnell’s was all but destroyed, the school board agreed to have the car crushed at the local junkyard. It is with great pleasure that I can report that Christine was reduced to a small cube of metal but it seems as though the radio remained functioning throughout the process, with the car playing “Rock N Roll is Here to Stay” by Danny and the Juniors.