The sleep deprived guide to Monster Energy Drinks

Monster Energy. Less caffeine than coffee, more sugar than soda, and less nutritional than breakfast. A perfect addiction for the sleep deprived. As a person who hasn’t gotten a good night’s sleep since 2016, energy drinks have been essential to my diet for years. I’ve drank at least one Monster a day for months much to my wallet’s dismay, spending around $20 a week to keep up the habit. Which of these cans will get you the best taste for a substitute to sleep is the question I’m here to answer.

10. Original Green

What can you say about OG green that hasn’t already been said by everyone else who’s tried it just because it’s the most recognizable? It tastes like if a battery had been dipped in sour candy, still I respect it for being able to sell itself on that alone. However, if you drink enough of them the taste doesn’t really affect you as much, probably because the massive amounts of sugar have severely affected your taste buds. Although it’s the classic I cannot in good taste put this any higher than the No. 10 spot.

9. Ultra Gold

Ultra Gold: I had big hopes for this can. The design was dope, but the honest taste was just repetitive. Imagine if the OG green can had a gold paint job and they put texture on it; that’s basically what you get here. I know officially it’s a “pineapple” flavor, but I literally couldn’t taste a difference. Still, I like the OG green taste, and the extra bonus of it being sugar-free and sporting a cooler design gets it style point, making it a higher No. 9 on my count. 

8. Ultra Rosa

From what the name and bottle will make you think, I originally thought it might be strawberry flavored. I soon came to realize that I was wrong; in fact, it’s a flavor so weird that not even the official Monster Energy website knows what exactly it is, instead labeling the taste as a “light and easy drinking flavor that’s also crisp and complex with a floral finish.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. However weird the flavor is, it tastes good and has zero sugar, so I have to give Ultra Rosa No. 8 

7. Mucho Mango

This was my first-ever Monster experience, and as such, I didn’t have any other flavor to compare it to and was turned off to Monsters since. I probably went a few months before I could bother to try another flavor out. Today, however, I can say that Mucho Mango is one of my go-to flavors, even if the ones rated higher are available. It’s something about the flavor of yellow that really tips you off that maybe this isn’t something you should be putting in your body. But since when have teenagers cared about that? Mucho Mango definitely deserves its place at No. 7.

6. Ultra Violet 

I once thought this might be my favorite flavor; however, that is before I decided to drink five of them in one weekend. The drink is grape flavored, but most people just like to say it tastes like soda with grape-flavored medicine. But honestly, I like the taste of grape medicine either way. Still, I’m not looking forward to drinking it again after having a whole pack. My experience with Monsters has grown a lot since the times I thought this would be the best one, and I can say this honestly deserves the No. 6 spot.

5. Papillon

I want to start this one off by commenting on how pretty the packaging is. Sometimes I’ll drink it just to show off the butterflies on the can, and it’s just altogether very pleasing to look at. The flavor isn’t half bad, either—peach and nectarine. Although it’s only No 5, it’s my second most purchased because it’s the only one that’s always at my job.

4. Pipeline Punch

Originally, I didn’t really like this one, it had been really hyped up to me by many of my friends before, and I had set my expectations too high for the first time I tasted it. However, after drinking another a few months after my bad experience, I realized that for a Monster Energy, it’s definitely top tier. The can is also a prettier pink than the Ultra Rosa, so it gets enough style points to earn the No. 4 spot.

3. Ultra Paradise

The drink goes down a lot easier than the other Monsters on this list. It has a much sweeter taste than the others I’ve had before, and its apple flavoring is not overpowering like many apple-flavored candies and drinks tend to be. Imagine eating 10 sour gummies and then having a green-apple-flavored lollipop. It tastes sugary without any sugar and is surprisingly good, landing Ultra Paradise a No. 3 spot.

2. Pacific Punch

This is one of the last ones I tried, because I only recently found it at a gas station. Even though the occurrence of me drinking it is rare, this Monster has risen to the top of the ranks. It’s the taste of fruit punch with the added bonus of caffeine and even more sugar. The unhealthiness is by far worth it, and I will continue to drink Pacific Punch whenever the opportunity arises. For being something I barely drink, I’m confident in saying it hits the No. 2 spot.

1. Ultra White

Ultra White: a classic, a home run, an experience. This is the second Monster I ever tried, and it has stuck by me the whole time. It’s the reason I have rows of Monster can tabs in my room,

and also the fuel I’ve used through many hard nights of studying and work. When nobody got me, I know Ultra White Monster Energy got me. It’s sweet but sugar free, the texture and design of the can go hard, I can’t find a reason why I would stop drinking it. 

Monster Energy has definitely made its mark on the current teenage life, but there’s one important thing to remember. Although it’s fun to announce how little sleep you got, or how much work you have, or how much caffeine you drink, always remember, take care of yourself. Also, no, Monsters do not count as full meals.