Home Satire SATIRE: Students to sacrifice inflatable Panther mascot

SATIRE: Students to sacrifice inflatable Panther mascot

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decapitated cartoon Panther head

This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

Students at Oswego High School have decided to sacrifice their inflatable panther mascot in order to lift the curse that has plagued them for the past year.

The sacrifice will take place at 10 p.m. on April 14, 2019, under the light of a full moon. According to many sources, a full moon is when the magic of the dark forces are weakest. Students hope they’ll be able to hit the demons when they’re down.

The decision to sacrifice the blow-up panther comes as a result of a number of horrifying events at Oswego High School in the fall of 2018, which some have dubbed the  “Curse of OHS.” These events include a broken fume hood, multiple student injuries, a false fire alarm, a real fire, an airsoft gun scare, and what seemed like a straight up murder threat, twice (note: this is not an inclusive list).

“Yeah, we’re just getting really sick of this curse, so we want to get rid of what’s causing it,” junior Marjorie Stevenson said.  

The student council looked for a plausible end to the curse.

“We had a community bonfire/seance in February, and eventually decided on the sacrifice,” said Senior John Cringle, student body president of OHS. “We also found [through the use of an Ouija board] that this curse is a result of education demons who are furious over the district cutting funding for various programs last year. Hopefully, the sacrifice will bring to their attention the fact that the students had no part in this.”

During the event itself, participants will engage in the chanting of the Latin phrase “tu istum sacrificabimus sacer daemonia,” which translates to “we sacrifice this panther for you, oh sacred demons.”

“We don’t want this chanting to scare the demons away—we like the company,” Cringle said. “We want OHS to be a welcoming atmosphere for anyone, including demons. We just need them to stop applying this curse to us and the community.”

All are welcome to attend the ritual on April 14 at 10 p.m. It will be held in the gravel lot. Light refreshments will be provided.

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