This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
OSWEGO, Ill. — The Village of Oswego has recently decided to rent out Oswego East High School to the state of Illinois as a prison in order to gain extra revenue for SD308.
“Everyone complains about OE looking just like a prison,” Robin Hawthorne, village president of the Village of Oswego, said. “It just clicked one day! We’re broke and Illinois has a decent amount of prisoners, so why not give the state a place to put those prisoners?”
The thousands of students currently in attendance at OE will just be relocated to Oswego High School. This sparked concern from students and parents because the class sizes at OHS are already insanely large. However, the district is not worried.
“There used to be just one high school for the entire town; we can do it again,” District Superintendent Dave Marlin said regarding this relocation decision.
John Cringle, student body president of OHS, had different thoughts regarding the relocation of these students.
“OE may as well already be a prison, seeing as how trashy it is compared to the superior OHS. There’s literally no difference between how it is now, and how it will be once it’s rented out,” Cringle stated. “Wolves SUCK!”
We here at Fifty42 decided to ask around about the Village’s recent decision.
“I can’t wait to be on the winning side of a rivalry for once,” OE junior Jack Manstera said. “It’ll be nice to finally win a football game!”
There are also benefits to the community the prison will provide, beyond mere school spirit.
“I hope the highways will actually be clean for once, thanks to the prisoners,” OHS sophomore Holly Bargerum said. “No more of those awful blue and gray streamers.”
The consensus here is clear. Renting OE out as a prison will undoubtedly change Oswego for the better, as well as provide much-needed revenue for the school district.
I am a sophomore, and this is my first year on 42Fifty. I am the Features Co-Editor. My other extracurriculars include cross country, track and field and Democracy Team. I am a dedicated student and spend most of my time on school and running, and I have little time for anything else.
