Trigger Warning: This column describes a suicide attempt.
Hanging next to my sister’s headboard, there was a sash that had “Prom Queen” written in an italicized and bold font. Being a freshman with little to no friends, it was difficult to make sense of how people managed to be popular and/or well-liked.
Passing periods were full of tears inside bathroom stalls. Having to walk next to jocks that everyone was crushing on never failed to make a tear trickle down the side of my cheek. With crooked teeth and a face full of stress-induced pimples, I was left feeling like the butt of everyone’s jokes.
Suddenly, these hallways that unlocked new insecurities were taken away from my peers and I.
I abruptly became a grade older, and I was stuck sitting behind computer screens with my camera turned off. As I was listening to my geometry teacher give lectures, my cheek became inseparable from the tears that dried on my bedroom floor.
Stuck with nothing other than my thoughts, I convinced myself that I was undeserving of everything that I had. From the roof that was over my head to the water that I drank, I didn’t feel worthy of such valuable things.
One night, I couldn’t handle the weight of my thoughts any longer. I took up an entire notebook that I filled with goodbyes to my loved ones, and proceeded to wrap a belt around my neck. The veins in my neck were popping, and everything around me started to become blurry.
At that exact moment, my sister started knocking on my bedroom door in a panic. Shamefully, I let go of the belt and slowly unlocked the door. The second that she saw me, she yelled for help from my mom and my grandparents. I was rushed to a hospital, and was told that I had to go to 24/7 care immediately.
After months of treatment, I was still trying to find worth in my existence.
Thankfully, I started to make more friends and understand more about myself.
Some people struggle with health issues like weight and/or disease, but I had to grow comfortable that my issue was my mental health. From self image to coping mechanisms, it took a lot of energy to get to where I am now.
As of today, I have grown more comfortable with myself and my apparent issues. I have learned to be easier on myself, and I have been using healthy coping skills to get through each day.
The most overwhelming thing to happen to me was hearing my name get announced for prom court. I tend to keep my circle of friends very small, and I didn’t campaign for myself. When I heard “Payton Barry” as a candidate for prom king, my freshman year self felt validated.
Don’t let the prom sash fool you!
I still do have to get through each day at my own pace, and continue to be easy on myself.
At least I can say that I can get through each day at my own pace, and that I have the ability to be easy on myself. Some people follow through with heartbreaking decisions, but something as simple as a knock on your bedroom door can change the trajectory of your life.
If you, or a loved one, are in need of mental health resources, call or text “Crisis” to 988.
Hi, my name is Payton Barry. I am a senior at OHS, and this is my first year being a part of the staff at 42Fifty. I am involved in some of our school's extracurricular activities, which include Commotion and Theater. I adore music, pop culture, and I am beyond excited to be an Arts & Entertainment editor!
It is truly sad that you had to go through this. I’m so very glad that the door was knocked in that moment because I couldn’t imagine life without you. It just goes to show that God is with you and has a plan for your life.
You have amazing talents that will get you far. Never let others decide what your value is. You yourself have the power to do so.
I remember when I wanted to become “popular” or well liked and what happened? I became “popular” yes but it ended up in a disaster. They were all fake. I would much rather have a smaller group of true friends, than a big group of fake friends.
The main point is that I am very happy that she knocked on your door, and that you opened it knowing what the outcome was. You chose to live on. I’m happy about that. I’m happy that you are still here with us today.
You have so much value and talent in you that you shouldn’t worry about other people’s opinions. Keep at it, keep working on yourself, and keep working on your music. Success will be inevitable/guaranteed for you if you keep on doing what you are doing.
If you need someone to talk to I will be here for you as well.
Just know that we all love you!
It is truly sad that you had to go through this. I’m so very glad that the door was knocked in that moment because I couldn’t imagine life without you. It just goes to show that God is with you and has a plan for your life.
You have amazing talents that will get you far. Never let others decide what your value is. You yourself have the power to do so.
I remember when I wanted to become “popular” or well liked and what happened? I became “popular” yes but it ended up in a disaster. They were all fake. I would much rather have a smaller group of true friends, than a big group of fake friends.
The main point is that I am very happy that she knocked on your door, and that you opened it knowing what the outcome was. You chose to live on. I’m happy about that. I’m happy that you are still here with us today.
You have so much value and talent in you that you shouldn’t worry about other people’s opinions. Keep at it, keep working on yourself, and keep working on your music. Success will be inevitable/guaranteed for you if you keep on doing what you are doing.
If you need someone to talk to I will be here for you as well.
Just know that we all love you!
(Incase the first comment didn’t send)
You’re an incredible human, Payton, always spreading kindness, love, and never-ending pop culture trivia. The world is better with you in it. Periodt.
Very touching Paytoe we are always here for you
Payton, you have spread so much joy and wisdom, especially in this last year. You are an incredible human being and loved by so many. You deserve this love because you give so much love. Never stop shinning your beautiful light! Love, Auntie Rita