[[SATIRE]] New workout pitched to board

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*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

The parents of Oswego students have worked their hardest to incorporate different wellness routines into Kinetic Wellness courses. 

After the overwhelming success of the 9/11 workout experience, a local Facebook group, We the Grandparents, immediately put it upon themselves to create a second, better workout. After weeks of research, a workout based on the events of the January 6th insurrection was modeled and pitched to the school board.

“The importance of feeling connected to history is vital to student success, as long as it aligns with my political beliefs,” says We the Grandparents representative Cornelius Whitington II. “If we let our students form their own opinions on it, that’s bad for the school.”

The January 6th Workout includes 78 high knees to represent the 78 stairs leading up to the capitol building, a 200-meter hurdle dash to represent the jumping of barricades, weighted podium carries, and a 60-second wall sit because they were unable to think of anything better to do. 

There is also a playlist planned for the workout, including Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A” and the Pink Floyd classic “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2,” songs that are properly interpreted as proudly and positively patriotic. 

Students, who weren’t even aware of the 2021 insurrection until they saw a funny meme on Instagram, also feel strongly about tragedy-themed workouts. 

“My kids seemed to really enjoy the workout,” recalled Whitington II. “I had to physically restrain them from running out the door straight to Washington D.C., which might be a hazard to public safety. Bless their little hearts.” 

We the Grandparents, in their infinite wisdom and savviness, believe that students would love to participate in something important to their American heritage, yet something recent that appeals to a younger demographic.

Local school board member and OH alumni Fredward Whelps describes the workout as a “socio-political work of art that all children should have the opportunity to participate in. I feel that it could raise Oswego High School’s status from just a regular old school to a place of enrichment and academic greatness.”