[[SATIRE]] Avoid shinji-maxing with these few simple steps: How to stop being chronically online

*Disclaimer: Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

If you understood anything in that title, chances are it’s too late. Don’t even try going outside anymore; lock yourself up in your room and continue scrolling through Reddit while listening to some underground band to compensate for your bad case of B.O. Keep going “he’s just like me fr” with pictures of Guts from Berserk if it helps you cope (we all know you’re more of Shinji Ikari anyway).

If none of these phrases make sense to you, then chances are you’re not chronically online, and you should stop reading while you’re still a “normie.” You don’t want to end up becoming some sort of hikikomori, confined to their room that’s adorned with posters of anime girls, do you? That’s what I thought. 

However, if the title did happen to make sense, this self-help article is for you!

Look, I know I just said that you should isolate yourself from the world by insinuating that you’re an ailment to society, but you’ve already read this far. Why give up now? I mean, if the concept of going outside, much less touching grass, becomes too hard, just imagine your oshi giving you strong words of encouragement (I know you know what a Vtuber is). 

So, before you find yourself making a Reddit post that follows the “I 17(M)” format to complain about your overconsumption of media, here’s a tutorial on how to take the grass pill!

1. Face your true self.

Facing yourself is hard, and you’ve probably lost some sense of self by now, but take a good look at yourself and identify where it all went wrong. Once you do, you have to ask yourself if you’re happy with your current state. Would child you be happy with the way you’ve turned out? 

2. Accept yourself.

If the answer to that question is no, it’s okay. If you’re willing to accept that you’re unhappy with yourself, then you have room to improve. It’s better than staying in the same miserable situation. Remember that you can’t improve if you don’t try.

3. Level up your social links.

You know in video games how protagonists have to talk to non-playable characters (NPCs) and build connections with them? You’re going to want to reach out to real people in this step. Talking to people you’ve met online through shared interests is great, but remember that there are also people in real life (IRL) who care about you, including your (future) in-person friends and your parents, who barely see you because you’re locked up in your room all the time. On another note, you may want to contact a therapist.

4. Go on sidequests.

With the power of friendship by your side, now it’s time to start doing things to complete the actual quest of touching grass. A beginner’s quest would be personal hygiene or self-grooming, you know, simple things like using deodorant and showering regularly. Once you get enough experience (XP) in this, you could try building a skincare routine that’s not just soap and water. Why don’t you try out finding your clothing style while you’re at it, you don’t have to stay wearing Asics and ill-fitting sweatpants. Working out, even just going on walks, regularly is a great sidequest to embark on that earns you tons of XP; you’ll start mogging everyone in no time.

5. Touch grass and experience childlike wonder.

You’ve made it this far, and now it’s time to beat the final boss: grass. Reach out and grasp it and take in everything you’ve accomplished, #victoryroyale. 

Thank you for following this self-help guide on how to become less chronically online, remember to leave a like and subscribe. 

This is a foolproof guide, by the way (btw), trust. In a testimonial by the number one Tatsuro Yamashita fan, Young Sheldon expressed how he feels “so normal-core rn. I’m glad I’m no longer shinji-pilled, I love being a grass-cell!” 

Well, maybe it’s not foolproof, there’s always room for outliers.