Home Satire COVID-19 Update: Infected OVMD students to only do Mongolian throat singing until...

COVID-19 Update: Infected OVMD students to only do Mongolian throat singing until cure is found

While the sick get sicker, the district gets richer

student attempts Mongolian throat singing

This article was originally published as part of the 2020 edition of Fifty42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

I’m sure near everyone is bored to death, metaphorically, hearing about Covid-19. So I’m not going to talk about that. What I will talk about is a group at Oswego High School and its magnificent solution to this problem. That’s right, this article is for the choir kids. 

The Oswego Vocal Music Department, or better known as “the ones who sing,” is a huge sect of OHS with numbers that could even rival athletics. Again, metaphorically, not physically…athletes, please don’t hurt them. Anyway, due to rising illness in the school, ranging all the C’s from the common cold to corona, the OVMD has decided to take its department into a new direction musically. Students have unanimously decided to convert all previously used forms of singing in its program into one: Mongolian throat singing. 

For some, this may seem a drastic change; however, many members of the OVMD felt this was the next logical step. 

OVMD’s new banner

As one student, Othan Eng, explains, “I guess the change had come from the whole fact that Mongolians are amazing throat singers. And that you really don’t have to use your actual voice. And when everyone is sick all you get is a raspy like voice. So, in a way, your sick singing voice is very similar to Mongolian throat singing.”

One of the various singing groups that come from the OVMD has already changed its name to fit this new direction. “Stay Tuned,” the award-winning vocal jazz group, has decided to change its name to “Mongolian Barber-cued.” If this name sounds familiar, that’s because the premiere barbershop quartet at OHS, renowned for its beautiful birthday ballads, already uses the name “Barber-cued.” When asked about the new changes such as the new name, none of the members had any comment. 

The district, despite the polarizing views, sees the whole situation as a plus. Before this curriculum change, the head of the OVMD, Mr. Tank K. Fieri, was running five choirs, several after-school groups, and directing Standing O Theatre Company. No mere feat, to say the least. Now, with everyone singing the same thing, he can conduct a massive choir as opposed to five, saving the school plenty on the expenses for each group. Plus, with this added time, Mr. Fieri can finally see his wife after nearly 23 years and sleep before 2 a.m. 

With all that’s going on right now in the world, it’s easy to see why people are scared of these changes that have to be made. But, they’re necessary changes nonetheless. Whether it’s gathering enough toilet paper for three nuclear winters, or only being allowed to go outside while in a hazmat suit, or even changing an entire department’s curriculum, it’s all necessary. These are tough times for everyone, so just sit back, relax, and listen to some soothing Mongolian throat singing while this all simmers down.

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