This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
You’ve seen them at Walgreens, you’ve seen them at Walmart, and now, you will see them all over Oswego High School! Following the return of students from spring break, the OHS Student Council will be selling Girl Scout Cookies in order to help get SD308 out of its debt hole!
Forgot to pack a lunch? No problem! Cookies can be found in the cafeteria, where students can buy anything from Thin Mints to Tagalongs for only $50 a box! Whether you hand the students two $20s and a $10 bill, five $10s, or even all singles, every box purchased is one step closer to getting us out of this deep dark hole we have been in for years!
“It’s such a blessing that the [Student] Council is doing this for our district. I can finally go to sleep tonight knowing we are making progress towards our budget reduction,” 308 Superintendent Dr. Dave Marlin said.
Not only is the district making money off the cookies themselves, but the Girl Scouts have also agreed to pay an additional $15 for every student that sells the cookies while wearing a cute little cookie costume! Talk about bands, right?
“We will have this debt paid off in no time,” OHS Principal Mr. Wike Mayne said. “Kids love junk food, especially Girl Scout Cookies! I’m sure [the cookies] will sell out in 30 seconds!”
Not only are the adults happy to be making money, but StuCo is, too.
“It’s such a shame that us students are putting in more work to help the district out than the district staff itself actually is,” StuCo leader Amanda Chicken Nugget said. “That being said, we’re bringing in money by wearing a cookie costume and handing people box(es) of cookies? Uhh, heck yeah!”
Regardless of how much the district rakes in off these cookies, parking passes at OHS are still expected to go up an additional $1,000 over the next two years, as the district will likely spend this money on other things that are way more important. Not to mention, by 2020, class sizes are rumored to be increased to 200 and maybe even 300.
“Yeah, so the district told our department that we will receive half of this profit to help pay for a whole new football field. It’s just not as evenly leveled as it used to be like 10 years ago, which is really hard for the boys to play on,” OHS Athletic Director Harren Doward said. “Oh yeah, we’ll probably have some leftover cash, too, that we’ll use to buy a whole new track. We’re kinda sick of the black and white, so we thought we’d spice it up by purchasing an orange and blue track.”
Not only is this sale a win-win for the Athletic Department, but for everyday students as well.
“I just love Girl Scout Cookies,” freshman Steve Taco said. “I never have the chance to go out and buy them with my mommy, so this is great news! All I have to do is sneak in her wallet when she’s sleeping, grab some cash and BOOM! Those cookies are all mine.”
Whether you plan on buying one or even five boxes, the district and Athletic Department appreciate your generous efforts.
Cookies will be sold during all lunch hours starting Wednesday, April 3, until Wednesday, April 10. Tips are encouraged and accepted!