Disclaimer: *Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
Rumors and speculation have arisen among residents of Oswego, and the most significant concern has been the sudden disappearance and uncanny appearances of residential mailboxes.
Per the reports of the community, the culprit behind the mayhem seems to be a shape-shifting mailbox that feeds off resident’s postcards and utility bills.
“It’s a menace to society, that thing made a whole mailbox vanish in front of me and turned into the exact one he ate. That law-breaking mailbox should be arrested for its crimes,” said local Oswego Patch reporter John Jonah Jameson.
The shapeshifting mailbox is not known to be a mimic or any similar kind of creature yet, due to only two reported sightings.
However, many have fallen victim to the scandal of missing mailboxes and warnings for unpaid bills. The culprit has never left any evidence behind, causing local law enforcement to chase dust in the wind.
“Me and the others aren’t getting anywhere, even setting up traps doesn’t work. That thing eats everything I’ve set up for it to eat,” said Guardians of Kendall County member Rex ‘The GOAT’ Sloan.
Oswego’s mailbox crisis was never as bad as it is now. Charges are racking up and with nobody to blame, victims are forced to pay for their losses. There was one encounter in which an attempt to stop the mailbox was attempted but failed due to the mailbox’s unfathomable strength.
“I happened to be able to reach that mailbox while in action, but it punched me and knocked me out and ran away before I could go look for it,” said the FraudWatch icon known as “Mortal.”
The mailbox appears to have no preference to what materials are consumed while seeking paper, destroying steel, brick, and plastic for any hunger-filling postage. Reports find no trace of mailboxes left behind at the crime scenes, and Ring doorbell cameras seem to fail whenever our culprit strikes.
“When my friend Mark told me that mailbox was destroying public property, I immediately said, ‘That’s not very nice at all,’” said protective service inspector Allen Dialien.
The search for the location of this mystery mailbox of mischief continues to this day, but there remains no true guarantee Oswego will recover until all is returned to normal.
I am a 1st year Staff editor for 42Fifty, a senior at Oswego High School. I know plenty that I wish to share with all, but most will remain as is for the meanwhile. You can contact me by emailing 42Fifty@sd308.org and putting my name in the subject line. We welcome comments on our articles and feedback on our publication!
I am a senior at OHS, I am currently involved in the Panther Credit Union, 42Fifty, and Youth and Government. You can contact me at 30881537@students.sd308.org.
This is truly scary.
Hopefully the criminal is caught soon 😔 Thank you for bringing this terrible topic to light 🦅🦅🦅
My mailbox disappeared yesterday, I was truly terrified
Mortal??? Don’t you mean Goat mortal?
My thoughts and prayers go out to all who have lost something
I thought my mailbox looked weird today…
Saw it this morning, threw some Amazon boxes at me