*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
As COVID-19 guidelines have changed to exempt students from having to wear masks and socially distance, Oswego High School has found a new way to get some money. Since students can now be as close together as possible, OHS has decided to sell a third of the lunch tables in the cafeteria. On March 33, 2022, there were lunch tables missing and students panicking as the first day with fewer cafeteria tables commenced.
With limited seating, students began sprinting to the cafeteria in order to ensure they have a table to sit at. Some students even go as far as to engrave their names in the woodgrain of the table, giving themselves their own assigned seat for each day.
OHS’s newest transfer student, sophomore Brock Lee, has never experienced such chaos in a lunchroom and is starting to plot a protest against lunch.
“This is just absurd,” he stated. “How am I supposed to eat my lunch without proper seating and adequate space to spread my elbows? Absurd, I say.”
So one may be wondering, what happens to the unfortunate students without a seat? It has already been determined that there is no way to get the tables back, as they were sold to a local laboratory using them to collect data on foreign objects growing on the tables as a result of a sticky residue left by students. Also, this would mean the school would have to give back the money it received, and there’s no way OHS could afford that.
With nowhere left to turn and anxiety building in all students, a new solution has been set in place. Students can eat their lunches in the few remaining open bathrooms—yes, on the toilets.
“I had no choice,” OHS freshman Chip Munk stated. “I just had to sit somewhere, and the floor was out of the question.”
OHS staff has recognized the situation and is providing students with help.
“We didn’t want the students to feel alone while eating in the bathroom, so we took the stall doors off to let them communicate with each other easier,” new staff member Ana Prentice stated.
But how could lunch be fun in the bathroom? Fear not; high schoolers always have a way to create their own entertainment.
“There were no trash cans to put our leftover food in,” Munk stated. “We started competitions to see who could stuff the most trash down the toilets, and not to brag, but I’m definitely the best at that.”
When they ran out of trash to put in the toilets, students started plunking other students into the toilets by doing extreme toilet wrestling matches.
“Yeah, I started the wrestling matches and have a bracket going,” OHS wrestler Dan Druff stated. “It is a good way to get some fitness in during lunch and prove my superiority.”
Meanwhile, students still need to actually use the bathroom, but the chaotic bathrooms are the only ones open. In a refusal to enter the bathrooms during lunchtime, students are leaving their classes to go on an odyssey to find an open bathroom somewhere in the world.
“You’re funny if you think I’m using a toilet in a stall without doors and during a toilet wrestling match,” OHS senior Ivy Leage stated.
Watch for updates on the bathroom odysseys this March 34th as students struggle to find bathrooms.
My name is Miranda Mahoney, and I am the Managing Editor and Features Co-Editor for 42Fifty. I am a junior here at Oswego High School, and this is my second year on the 42Fifty team. Additionally, I am involved in the BIONIC club, Junior Class Council, the Science National Honor Society, and the Quill and Scroll Honor Society for journalism. In the spring, I play soccer for the OHS Girls Soccer team. I enjoy spending time with family and friends, gardening, and playing piano in my free time. I am excited to see what this year brings!