Home Satire SATIRE: All teachers fired, students to lead classes

SATIRE: All teachers fired, students to lead classes

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This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

As of April 1, 2019, all teachers within School District 308 have been fired due to budget cuts—all classes moving forward will be taught by students. Teachers have been protesting since the decision was made.

“This is completely ridiculous,” Ms. Sarah Feet, Oswego High School journalism teacher, said. “It will lead to complete anarchy.”

District officials, nonetheless, are very confident in the ability of students to lead classes.

In an official comment to Fifty42, the Board of Education stated that “the decision to fire all teachers was unanimous, and it will finally pull the district out of its budget crisis, with at least $1.5 million left over.”

We now have a new debate on how to spend all the free money. The Illinois Governor JT Spencer’s administration has been pushing for a new sports-focused agenda. Reports are that the funds will be divided between a new football stadium and the football team itself.

Parents have been in full support of this decision. David McPhee, whose son is the football team captain, states that “the new stadium will help all future athletes, especially with the addition of a new gym attached to the stadium that has a gold-plated ceiling.”

The football team has been very supportive of the motion, as it appears that sports are the future of America. According to a study done by the Door Lane Journal, sports have been increasing the amount of sports teams and leagues to provide jobs. The International League Football has created over 100 teams.

“These improvements will help our athletes get the scholarships they deserve!” Coach Ryan Booney (not related to Ryan Boone of the popular Fifty42 podcast, The Droop) yelled at press time.

Since the switch to student-led classes, grades appear to have risen across the board.

“For the very first time, we expect to have a 100-percent graduation rate along with a 100-percent college acceptance rate,” Dave Marlin stated.

Some remain doubtful, though.

“They can’t be serious about this,” freshman Alicia Spearmen said. Sorry, Alicia, but they are.

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