Home Satire SATIRE: Principal Wike Mayne retires to pursue rock ‘n’ roll dreams

SATIRE: Principal Wike Mayne retires to pursue rock ‘n’ roll dreams


This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

Oswego High School Principal Wike Mayne announced that he will be retiring at the end of this year to pursue his longtime dream of becoming a rock star. In his office, he has been seen playing Led Zepplin songs with an amplifier.

“School has always been boring. It is a constant mundane grind that just never seems to stop,” Mr. Mayne said. “That’s why I often have heavy metal music playing in my office. Why not start playing it myself?”

The school district has been supportive of Mr. Mayne’s decision. Despite the budget issues, the district has pledged to use some of its funds to support Mayne’s first tour.

“There have been rumors for a while that [Mayne] was pulling together a band,” District Superintendent Dave Marlin said. According to sources close to Marlin, he himself is hoping to land a spot in Mayne’s band as a drummer. Marlin declined to comment, but when the interview was over, he was seen running to his office, which contains a drum set.

Students have been very supportive across the board, with many saying that they have, since Mr. Mayne’s announcement, become his first fans.

“He is PERFECT!” senior Jade Morrison yelled at press time. “The best bass player I’ve ever seen!”

Mr. Manye’s first concert will be at Oswego East at 10 p.m. in the auditorium. Tickets to Mayne’s first concert have already sold out, according to Master Ticket.

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