This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.
On Monday, April 1, at approximately 5 a.m., an Oswego High School student stole a bag of chips and tried to start a fire while wearing a Michael Jackson mask in a convenience store in Oswego. The Criminal Justice and Forensic Science classes at Oswego High School were alerted and put in charge of solving the crime. The Oswego police department was unavailable due to a team-building retreat.
“This was a great experience for the students looking to pursue careers in criminal justice,” Mr. Fun, the Criminal Justice teacher, said.
The forensics students were in charge of gathering evidence from the scene. Fingerprints, hair and blood samples were among the things collected.
“The work they displayed was phenomenal,” Mr. Johansson, the forensics teacher, said. “They used everything they had learned in class in order to solve this crime,” Johansson added.
The forensics students took samples from probable suspects and brought the evidence into their classroom lab. The Criminal Justice students brought in suspects and put them in a lineup.
“The lineup was crucial in this investigation,” senior John Johnson, the leader of the investigation, said.
After the lineup with six potential suspects, they narrowed it down to two male students. After intense questioning led by a number of Criminal Justice students and also an examination of the evidence gathered at the scene by the forensics students, they had their man: senior Jimmy Jones.
“I am very happy with the work we did,” junior forensics student Jill Timmons said. “It really brought us together as a group.”
UPDATE, APRIL 1, 7 A.M.
The charges of theft and destruction of property against Jimmy Jones have been dropped. Further investigation has revealed that Jones committed the crime as a project for his sociology class at OHS.
“It was lit, bruh,” Jones said. “I should definitely get an A on this one.”
