**Disclaimer: Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction.
One of OH’s art teachers has been discovered to be a retired treasure hunter, in hiding from the Certainly Non-Evil Museum.
It is commonly accepted within the art world that if someone has a glass box to put something in, they are preserving and cherishing history, no matter where that thing comes from or how it got to them.
“We have the most glass boxes. It is the most secure place in the world,” Certainly Non-Evil Museum representative Collin Izer said. “In the past decade, we’ve only lost a few thousand artifacts. You should trust us.”
However, treasure hunter Indianapolis Johnson disagreed:
“One time, I was undercover, pretending to be an artist. I had to make a pot as part of my disguise, and after I stole the artifact, someone took the pot. It made me really sad. Then I realized that that was probably how the people I was stealing from felt.”
That was the last heist Johnson ever went on. Since then, he and his assistant and best friend, Frank Gustav Smith V, have been working together to thwart the Certainly Non-Evil Museum through two things: education and counter-heists.
“Indy does most of the teaching, and I typically do heists and recruiting,” Smith said.
As important as Art History education, ethics, basic empathy, and non-hypocrisy are, heisting is far more deserving of an article.
While most of the artifacts are returned to the communities they were taken from, some, which are extremely volatile or unwanted, are being kept in a secure, secret location that is definitely not able to be accessed by students.
One of the first counter-heists Smith and Johnson made was the magical Serpent Box.
“It’s a magic box that is the only thing able to contain the Serpent of Destruction,” Johnson said. “The people at the Certainly Non-Evil Museum were trying to sell it, which would have been bad.”
Johnson and Smith stole the box and hid it in a secure location.
“We really need that,” Izer said. When asked, “For what?” Izer declined to comment.
After succeeding in that mission, Johnson released a few other magical creatures that the Certainly Non-Evil Museum had been holding captive and recruited them to help with the heists.
“I was thrilled to be released, finally, after so long. It’s scary in the Museum. They’re mean. But then Johnson let me out, and I was like, okay, now this is good,” Owl McSmartyPants said.
“Owl was really excited to get away from the museum. I was really excited to get away from Owl,” Beaky Hawking said.
It is unclear why McSmartyPants and Beaky Hawking were being held at the Museum. However, it is very clear why Emily Walnut was there.
“I’m not a thief,” Walnut said. Upon being asked what she was currently holding and where she got it from, Walnut ran off and declined to comment.
The first heist that all five worked on as a team was the Floating Island of Eyju.
“That one was pretty hard to steal, but it was a lot easier once we shrank it,” Johnson said.
It didn’t take long for the Certainly Non-Evil Museum to catch onto what they were doing and start running counter-counter-heists. These stopped after Johnson turned one such counter-counter-heister, Craig, into a skeleton.
“Craig just kind of sits there. He’s kind of creepy in the dark, but I don’t really know what else to do with him,” Johnson said. “Now, he serves as a warning to cultural appropriators and people who cheat on their homework – I mean, I tell them that I can turn them into skeletons as I did him. He’s definitely not at the school. Definitely.”
When the Certainly Non-Evil Museum submitted an official request for Johnson to return the artifacts, he responded that the artifacts are safer in their current location and are legally and justly his.
“He’s wrong,” Izer said. When asked why Johnson is wrong or if they could reach a compromise, Izer declined to comment.
Johnson and his team have repeatedly shown their skill and passion for protecting artifacts, and OH can look forward to learning from them for years to come.
I'm Taylor Jo Ana, I'm a Junior at OH, and this is my first year on 42Fifty! I'm on the Speech Team, and I'm in the National English Honor Society and National Art Honor Society. You can contact me by emailing 42Fifty@sd308.org and putting my name in the subject line. We welcome comments on our articles and feedback on our publication!
