As days pass, and adulthood is seemingly inching closer and closer to reality, I feel as if I can’t breathe properly. Time moves so quickly that nothing feels stable. My life is ever-changing with new occurrences and experiences every day.
Except one thing has never changed, my “2006 Carters cute as can bee bear” which was given the name Lovey.
It’s always been Lovey and I against the world. He’s joined me for every sleepless night, road trip, and competition. When Lovey cannot fulfill a job, his backup, Eyeless Lovey, saves the day.
As a kid, I couldn’t even think about closing my eyes at night without having Lovey resting in my arms.
I’m lying, I still can’t think about closing my eyes at night without having Lovey rest in my arms at the ripe old age of 18.
I love the past, I love to hold on to my memories and cherish them throughout my entire lifetime. Whether it’s pictures, cards, or Lovey. I hold on to these items because they are what make me an individual.
However, I find myself holding on to these memories in a negative way, I want to escape into my past. I retreated into myself until things became “normal” again, but honestly, there was never a normal.
It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I got my Autism diagnosis. For context, Autism Spectrum Disorder is typically diagnosed at the ages of 18 to 36 months. Learning this hidden part of myself at the age of 15 threw me for a loop.
I had a new understanding of my life, but I didn’t want to accept it. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I felt like I had no support system.
I would come home every day frustrated and confused, wondering why I couldn’t be like everyone else at school and why I had to be different. The difference that would be whispered about in the halls, the difference that ate in the library instead of the lunch room, and the difference that left her freshman homecoming early because of overstimulation.
When I lay in bed at night, I realized that there are many different unique traits that make me, well me. Just like there are many unique traits about Lovey that makes him, well, Lovey.
My eyes that shift from blue and green depending on the season, my expansive knowledge of The Beatles, and my attention to detail in life.
Lovey’s frayed corner that I hold, his various hand stitches from repairs from grandma, and his soft and matted plush material that soothes me to sleep every night.
Everyone has these special characteristics that set them apart from the crowd, just like how Lovey has characteristics that set him apart from every other stuffed animal on my bed.
Lovey has served as a best friend, grounding tool, and a comforter my entire life. He is the constant that keeps me going every morning and every night.
I know that every night I can come home to Lovey safe in my arms to soothe me to sleep every night at the ripe old age of 18.
I have learned that I am different from the rest, and that is okay. I know deep down that I have people that will always love me, and most importantly, I know that Lovey loves me.
Hi I'm Chayse! I'm a Senior at OHS and this is my first year on the 42Fifty team. When I'm not at school, I participate in activities such as BIONIC, Commotion, SOTC, and many various Honor Societies! You can contact me by emailing 42Fifty@sd308.org and putting my name in the subject line. We welcome comments on our articles and feedback on our publication!
