If there’s one thing that my four years of high school have taught me, it’s not to take the people in my life for granted.
I didn’t want to write this senior column originally, but I feel like I should. I feel like I should say all the things that I’ve always wanted to say before, but was too afraid or anxious to do so. At the same time, it feels unnecessary, and maybe a little self-deprecating, to say how I really feel.
I’ve felt this way since freshman year. I’d question what others should know about me and what things I should keep to myself. I’ve realized that I don’t need to disclose every single thing about myself if it’s uncomfortable, but this came at a cost. The discomfort only grew and grew as I struggled to align myself with the self I showed others.
This overwhelming focus and anxiety on how I wanted to be seen led to many of my regrets. Regrets from giving up on soccer, volleyball, and theater. Regrets from being so oblivious in my freshman year, leaving me now wondering “how did I not know?” and many “what-if” scenarios.
There is also regret about losing touch with many friends in high school, especially those from elementary school. In most cases, if we stopped having a class together, then we’d stop talking altogether.
I try not to think about it often, but I am overwhelmingly afraid of losing the people in my life. While I’ve tried to stay connected, I’ve been going about it the wrong way for the past four years.
I was often too scared of judgment from the people I cared about. To make sure I wasn’t pushed away, I’d try not to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing to the wrong person. As a result, I grew quiet and quit activities, ironically thinking this would solve my longing for belonging.
However, it got to a point where I believed I lost myself, never really knowing who I am, only who I was. And so, these regrets of the past persisted into the beginning of senior year, high school flew by in the blink of an eye, and I almost physically gave up.
Now you might see why it could seem self-deprecating to admit all of this, but high school wasn’t just gloom and doom. There are so many people I am thankful to have gotten to know, even if it was for just a moment or two or three.
I’ve come to terms that people will enter and exit life like the sun rising and setting, or something else metaphorical like that. Though like a perfect, orange sunset in the summer evening, moments can last longer than they are, especially when looking back on them.
Looking back, I can say that I am excited for the future. I am excited about staying in touch while also following new horizons. I am hopeful that I will continue getting to know the friends I have known, while also meeting new ones. I am confident that I’ll find my way, and I hope we all do too.
Thank you to everyone in my life. It’s now time to graduate.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh.
I am a senior and this is my first year as a student journalist for 42Fifty. I currently play the trumpet in the OHS Marching Band and I am a member of BIONIC as well. I am excited for learning and gaining experience in journalism this year. You can contact me by emailing 42Fifty@sd308.org and putting my name in the subject line. We welcome comments on our articles and feedback on our publication!
