*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction.
On Thursday, March 23, the teachers of OHS stormed the office of Superintendent Dave Marlin to demand a new curriculum strategy: Tik Tok. Instead of using Google Classroom, like in past years, they have agreed that Tik Tok is the best solution for turning in assignments for the upcoming 2023-2024 school year.
After the long school day, a total of 30 OH teachers left the building and made their way over to the SD308 District Office to confront Marlin. They surrounded the building, flashing signs, and yelling out hateful “Yo Mama” jokes.
After hours of protest outside the building, the passionate ringleader of the operation, a biology teacher from OHS, Mr. Joe Ravioli, was reluctantly welcomed into the building to speak with Marlin.
The two were locked in an office together and forced to come to a compromise. Spectators shared that they viewed the two rivals arm wrestling and dance battling through the window. After 5 long hours, they were released from the office.
Marlin ultimately agreed to the terms of the unhappy teachers, and formally declared that Tik Tok will become the new Google Classroom throughout SD308.
“I don’t know how to use Google Classroom or Tikkity Toker so … whatever,” Donna Ditch, who has taught algebra at the school for 18 years, says.
Even though the older teachers don’t understand how Tik Tok works, they still find it as a better alternative to Google Classroom.
Teachers have been angry at the usage of Google Classroom since it was first implemented, around the time of the COVID-19 lockdown. With every passing day, more and more students began to leave assignments unsubmitted, which slowly infuriated their teachers.
For every assignment a student fails to submit, teachers were forced to run a lap in the field house. After Gilbert Bingle, an English teacher, passed out on the track in the middle of a gym class, the teachers finally declared that they had had enough.
One day, Ravioli came up with the brilliant idea to kill two birds with one stone: both the phone problem and the google classroom problem.
“Well I just figured if they couldn’t get their phones out of their faces, we might as well help feed into their addiction,” Ravioli says.
Not only are the teachers on board, but the student body is thrilled.
“I am a serious influencer and I love tiktok so I am ALL for this idea because Tiktok actually pays me so much for that creator fund thing,” freshman Austin Moon says.
Moon is one of the many students that are all for this new curriculum change.
“Dude, it’s chill, I can roll with it,” sophomore Peyton Soupe says.
As a result of the positive reaction to this monumental change, the school board is considering making a few additional changes. These are to include: replacing culinary classes with Papa’s Pizzeria, keeping the parking lot empty, watching the movie Brave in place of the archery unit in the Adventure Education class, and replacing current health textbooks with the American Girl Doll books.
Natalie Rabies
So much to unpack here. Austin Moon? Lol. I think this is a horrible idea, because I’ve been teaching even longer than Donna Ditch and I have never cared to watch a tick tock other than on my analog watch! I do like the idea of the American Girl Doll books, along with some Magic School Bus journey into puberty episodes. (Do they exist? If not, I’ve found my retirement calling!)