Home Satire SATIRE: Prehistoric bugs found in OHS dungeon

SATIRE: Prehistoric bugs found in OHS dungeon

200
0

This article was originally published as part of the 2019 edition of Fifty 42. Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

Oswego High School students reported three different sighting of prehistoric insects in the dungeon on April 1. Students have been complaining about small spiders and beetles crawling around for years, but this is the first time that there have been major reports

The first sighting was reported by Junior Garret Jones, who saw a prehistoric cockroach by room 18.

“I was just opening up the shop class locker, and there it was!” Jones said. “It was probably a little bit bigger than my binder. I yelled and jumped back. Then it just crawled out and around the corner.”

Many did not believe that the cockroach he saw was that big until sophomore Cassie Huffman saw a beetle of similar size while walking to her classroom before period 5.

“I’ve never really have been scared of bugs, but this one – ICK!” Huffman said. The beetle was reported to be crawling along the floor by room 6. “It as just crawling, and at one point it stopped and turned to me—that when I ran into Mr. Diggle’s room.”

After reporting it right away to art teacher, Mr. Diggle, Huffman and him took at look around the hallway.

“I didn’t see anything, so I told her that it probably just went back outside,” Mr. Diggle said. “Teenagers have a habit of exaggerating.”

The third report came from Junior Marge Jenkins, who said she saw a giant, unidentified insect flying from room 12 to room 10.

“It scared me so bad!” Jenkins said. “I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast in my life.” The insect was reported to be about the size of a watermelon. After this third report, the administration decided to investigate.

“After looking thoroughly through the halls, we have concluded that no giant bugs exist in the school,” Principal Wike Mayne said. “Our school has never had a serious issue with bugs. Sure, we have a few here and there, but that’s to be expected when we have the doors open for long periods of time in the morning as students arrive. There are no giant bugs in the dungeon, students are completely safe here at OHS, and I guarantee this was all just some rumor.”

UPDATE, APRIL 1, 10 A.M.

A student has been hospitalized after being stung by what appears to be the world’s largest wasp, said to be about the size of the hallway clock. A nest was found in the ceilings of the dungeon, where it seems the insects have been living for last few weeks. The school is now closed for fumigation for the next several weeks – happy extended spring break, everybody!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.