Ever heard that terrible life experiences make you funny?
By that logic and the logic of the universe itself, I’m the biggest clown known to mankind.
It’s not all bad (although still mostly so) because the thing about clowns is that, insulting connotations aside, people go to them for entertainment and joy. So, I guess being a clown isn’t the most insulting thing I could be called. I can live with being someone who’s fun to be around for someone out there.
The only other issue is the disingenuous aspect. “Disingenuous” is a difficult word to apply to a human being. In reality, most of the time, people simply show different parts of themselves to different people. The issue then becomes, which one is real? Are they all real? None of them? How do you know?
Truth be told, it’s not usually a dramatic realization. In my experience, understanding came from a completely unexpected source. That source? The voices in my head.
No, I’m not schizophrenic. That’s just how I like to describe the little characters I’ve invented over the past several years. These dumb little characters I’ve been doodling on the corner of math homework mean more to me than I could ever hope to describe. I may or may not have even snuck them into a cartoon or four…
They’ve helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Like the first one was one that grew with me, and came to help me see my faults and be a better person. My favorite, a particularly sharp-toothed individual, has been one of the greatest sources of self-reflection I’ve ever had. He made me realize that no past could define me, that I could grow as a person and be who I wanted to be.
I could seriously go on, and on, and on and on for as long as the earth continues to spin, but I’m gonna take a wild guess that whoever you are, currently reading this is not particularly interested in hearing about the twelve years’ worth of lore I’ve written for these characters that would put most indie horror games to shame. Find me and ask about it if you really wanna know. The point is, they were one of my main tools for coming to understand myself and accept things I needed to be able to move on.
I’m aware that most of the things these characters have taught me have appeared as a theme in almost every type of media we’ve ever consumed before. But when you’re a teenager who sees no value in your own existence, hearing things like your past doesn’t define you, it’s okay to not be okay, you’re good enough, mean about as much as 50 bucks means to a garden snail. They’re true, but sometimes, the call needs to come from inside the house. And sometimes, that call is made by the little fictional characters you’ve been writing about for years.
Some people are gonna read this and probably think well, this is cringy… you’re still writing about made-up characters in a made-up world at your age?
Yeah. And it’s done more for me than most people ever have. Writing speaks to me in a way that another person can’t really. It’s self-reflection, discovery, and most importantly, an understanding of who I was to myself. They single-handedly helped me solve my raging identity crisis and gain such a clear understanding of myself… while staying true to the clown part.
All that to say, who cares if the way you get through your hardships is by little characters you’ve invented and written stories for? The plain and simple fact is that the world is going to look down on you, and it doesn’t even matter. What keeps you alive at the end of the day is far more important than any small-minded, creativity-lacking person who thinks it’s cringe has to say.
Am I 18 with the equivalent of imaginary toys in a fantasy setting I came up with when I was seven? Yes, yes, I am. And I refuse to feel any shame for it, because these characters are some of the most important aspects of my life and my identity, and I refuse to disrespect them by being ashamed of that.
Thanks, little guys. I promise to never outgrow you, no matter how old I get.
My name is Pierre Vargas, I am a senior at OHS and this is my first year as a journalist and go by any pronouns. I am an artist, I particularly enjoy drawing cartoons, and I participate in art club and independently. You can email me through 42fifty@sd308.org and putting my name in the subject line. Feedback regarding our publications are encouraged!!
