*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely on fiction.
On April 1, 2022, breaking news shocked the whole school. The rumors are true: a new COVID variant has been found within the school…and the infamous cafeteria fish sandwich is the source.
*dramatic pause*
Superintendent Dr. Mave Marlin continues to deny the truth by blaming the editors of Fifty42 for not predicting the future and publishing a post of caution.
Willie Sheerspake, an editor for Fifty42, attempted to defend the program by saying, “We hath left our crystal ball at home yond day, tis’ not our fault!”
The new variant is spreading throughout the school like a wildfire, with cases climbing every day. But, it is not spreading in the way you might think.
Since no one actually eats the fish sandwiches at school, Patient No. 0 was a transfer student who was dared to indulge in it. After his severe symptoms started to kick in, almost immediately, the entire class of sophomore boys decided to force-feed themselves the sandwich to experience the symptoms.
The symptoms include increased height, intelligence, humor, brain cells, and respect for anything living—needless to say, the sophomore boys experienced extreme changes. Science teachers proved the mysterious illness is actually a COVID variant because the boys experienced shortness of breath. Even so, boys of every grade have joined in on this trend, willing to endure the necessary pain.
Male high school “athletes” are overjoyed by the COVID symptoms but claim, “The shortness of breathing will be a problem. How am I supposed to compete in my sport once I get tired?” The increased brain cells sadly weren’t enough because the “athletes” interviewed were benchwarmers claiming to be victims. The school hopes that the positive effects of the variant will help any sports team finally beat Lockport, as they own us in literally everything.
Female students and staff essentially believe that the fish will have worsening lasting effects on the boys, but decided to enjoy the change while it lasted and let them deal with the consequences of not having good genes.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like this before,” OHS nurse, Ms. Debbie Dickman, said. “Looking at the bigger picture of lasting effects, I believe they are temporary. They will all probably go back to normal in a few weeks.”
Personally, I think they’ll turn into werewolves that need a monthly supply of fish sandwiches to control their violent animal instincts. (I used the crystal ball, and my theory is correct; I read about divination in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, so I know what I’m talking about; this theory also has nothing to do with the plot of the book whatsoever)
Some girls have decided to join in on the trend as well. Peace is finally settling between all girls, they have finally realized Euphoria isn’t good, there is no need to put down other girls just because they are insecure, and finally, the best thing of all, no more embarrassing fights where girls only pull each other’s hair and stomp their feet; then proceed to call it a good fight. (Especially when it is over a boy that was going to cheat on them both….) Basically what I’m trying to say is they gained some common sense.
So, readers, is this COVID variant doing more harm than good? Or is the fish sandwich the answer to all of our problems? The sandwiches continue to be manufactured and eaten at the school due to budget cuts because all the school’s funds go into the football program and nothing else. (With good reason I love football games, but I also hate the uniforms for softball, so Dr. Mave Marlin, if you could replace those that would be great) This is also an open invitation to Oswego East kids who are willing to transfer over; we are running low on students now. Next week, I will discuss why the school decided to discontinue the one good thing served at lunch: craisins!
My name is Raelyn Alvarez, and I am a Junior at OHS. This is my second year doing Digital Journalism and my first year being an Opinions Editor. I play travel softball and also play for the high school. I'm not judgmental; I'm just opinionated!
