[SATIRE] Grueling journey to find only open bathroom at OHS leaves little hope

*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

Oswego High School students feel there are zero bathrooms open, and because of this, they have to go on a long journey to find the sacred open bathroom.

In the beginning, students that were especially desperate sought out faculty bathrooms, tucked away in obscure hallways around the school. Eventually a few desperate students turned into crowds, and comically large lines forming from around corners began to catch the attention of administrators.

After a while of masses of students being rounded up and sent to the dean’s office by staff, a new hope developed in the form of a seemingly mythical and forgotten bathroom located in a dingy hall behind the atrium. A route was established by a few brave students that sacrificed class time in order to forge the path for their fellow students in need. Here is their set path.

Students eventually began to trek to a fabled restroom, said to be the only multi-person bathroom left in the school, the admin bathroom. This bathroom was rumored to be the size of a full classroom, holding an absurd number of stalls with wall dividers that reach down to the floor and a snack bar with all sorts of refreshments and treats. One student claimed that the promise-lavatory was apparently located deep within the bowels of the school, “sort of near the aux gym but not really.” Countless courageous adventurers braved the labyrinth of identical classrooms and nondescript water fountains that don’t work for some reason, but none had yet found the storied room of bliss. It took months for students to find the legendary bathroom, and when they finally reached it, they decided to keep its exact location a secret to their fellow students. However, as more and more students began to figure out about its existence, the administrators closed it down, setting up tall, sharp metal guards restricting students from entering into the mystical bathroom. After the students were restricted from the admin’s bathroom, they pressed on to find a usable bathroom.

One of these early settlers recounted their harrowing journey through dark, twisting hallways and narrow passageways through the back of the theater stage, getting lost in a seemingly endless loop of yellow buzzing overhead lights and stained tiles.  Eventually the student did reach the bathroom and recalled it as “disheveled, with barely enough room to fit even a single person.” This forbidden bathroom would be the final stop for students as they pressed on through the never ending hallway.

The repeated arches and dim lights would make students feel as they have been walking for years. Some give up along the way and decide to turn back and walk through the same boring hallway until they go insane. The determined few to find a bathroom would count their steps out loud, “1,2,1,2,…” in order to keep going. However, the reminder of going 1 and 2 would drive them insane and cause them to not hold it in. 

However, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and after the failed admin bathroom, the broken down forbidden bathroom, and never ending hallway, the few students willing to push were able to finally go in peace. These students kept the secret bathroom to themselves as they were the only ones that made it. The student body that did not take on the odyssey know no public record of this bathroom existing or its whereabouts, but stories continue to circulate of joy and peace, a place to quietly use the restroom free of strange billows of smoke from groups of teenage boys and arranged fights that last no longer than two minutes.