Home Satire Actor Andrew Garfield to run for SD308 board president

[SATIRE] Actor Andrew Garfield to run for SD308 board president

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*Fifty42 is 42Fifty’s April Fool’s edition, and consists entirely of satire. This content is published purely for the purposes of humor and entertainment – it is entirely fictional and is not meant to be viewed as “real news” or taken seriously in any way. Any references to real people are based almost entirely in fiction.

In lieu of the upcoming SD308 school board election, Fifty42was tasked to cover the polling process as well as the campaigning journey. Current officeholding president Latonya Simlish’s term is over, and there’s a new candidate in town. We got to speak to him yesterday.

“I just can’t wait to run,” Andrew Garfield says. “I have beef with, like, everyone, so I think that by running for board president, I can finally settle some issues.”

When asked specifically what issues Garfield was dealing with, he did not respond at first and turned to walk away. He quickly turned back around and whispered into the mic, “you know, my girlfriend’s dead. Because of my psycho best friend. That’s kind of an issue.”

We decided to just leave him be for the time being. 

Our next interview subject would be Latonya Simlish. Today, the gem floating above her head was a vibrant shade of green. Luckily, Simlish is fluent in English, so we were able to communicate with her why she was in such a good mood. 

She told Fifty42 that she was wishing only the best of luck to the new candidates. She explained that the only reason she was not choosing to run again was because of her term limit being reached, but she did not mind.

“I actually don’t mind Mr. Garfield running for board president. I’ve seen all his movies, and he’s a great actor. Of course, there’s more to being president of anything than putting on a good facade and hiding your past issues… oh, sorry, that was a little political,” says Simlish. 

Simlish, on the flip side, feels very passionate about Garfield’s opposing candidate—her husband, Bob Pancakes.

Pancakes recently got out of prison for numerous war crimes, including the murder of Gwen Stacy. Yes, that’s right—Green Goblin was framed. 

Because of this issue, the two candidates are holding a nasty campaign against each other, and it’s extremely emotionally charged. Various advertisements can be seen plastered around downtown Oswego with pictures of Garfield’s face and graffitied “crybaby” underneath. From Garfield’s supporters are, to be expected, posters of literal pancakes tagged “murderer”.

Spine-chilling. Editor’s note: Mr. Andrew Garfield has requested that we remove the use of the word ‘spine’ as it “brings up unhappy memories” for him. We decided not to snap back at him… too soon?

Pancakes doesn’t let this brutal campaign affect him. In fact, it encourages him to keep going. 

“Zorbee. Oobey vey, donda aragonda. Oo shanga day!” says Pancakes. 

Garfield wasn’t happy to hear this. 

“No one seems to grasp the concept of a campaign,” says Garfield. “I’m going to be vengeful. I’m going to get bitter. I’m going to stop pulling my punches.”

There is still much to look forward to in this upcoming election, but Simlish, being a positive instigator, simply “hopes for the best” for both sides.

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Hello! My name is Kira Farooqui, and this is my second year working with 42Fifty. I couldn’t be more excited! I’m currently a senior at OHS who loves anything and everything cats, writing, and history. In my free time, I write my own novels that I hope to publish professionally one day. I look forward to many more years in journalism and writing my heart out!

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